HOW TO GET ON THE NAUGHTY LIST, HOME SECURITY EDITION

by Lisa

I left my house such a mess when I went to work.  Sometimes, mornings are so rushed that I decide to let things be until I can tidy up later.

First, I broke the back door when I took out the trash.  That crowbar does not perform as advertised.  I really had to jimmy it around to pop the door open.  I’ll never forget to turn that handy door knob again!  It’s the simple things that fall between the cracks when I’m dashing about.

Then, silly me, I knocked my forty-pound rosemary bush right off of the counter and onto the floor three feet away.  When I reached for my coffee cup, things just got a little more out of control.  The picnic basket caught my sleeve and half of the lid broke off as it crashed into the candy dish and oil lamp already in pieces on the rug.  So clumsy!

Choosing a pair of shoes was no simpler.  That ceiling-high rack flopped onto the bed and shoes scattered everywhere.  I tried to shove it back into place, but the bookshelf got in the way, and I had to pull it forward to detangle the whole mess.  The jars of buttons and gems shattered into the shoes on the bed, but, hey, I needed to get out the door on time.  Fortunately, I had dumped a laundry basket of socks and towels onto the bed to soften the landing and catch the smallest bits of glass.

On my way to that door, I must have caught my shoe on the leg of the couch, because, GOSH, it just flipped upside down onto the coffee table in a swish!  No time to right it, I snatched my back pack from chair and swept the darned PS3 off of the table and onto the floor.  Well, not really ON the floor.  It dangled conveniently by a cord, a few inches from the carpet.  Good thing, because otherwise, it would have landed right on the lamp that had leapt off of the side table when the couch went aerial.  I needed a new lampshade, anyway.

And worst of all, when I got home last night, some bastards had broken in and filled the sink with dirty dishes and stinky gray water, and left the coyote’s bacon cold in the toaster oven, and piled recyclables all over the floor next to the trash can they packed with empty food packaging and soggy banana peels.

Those sons-a-bitches are on my naughty list.

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